Caliban Not Seeing His Own Face
More recently, I've been told that I have a tendency to idealize other people. I absolutely do this, for the simple reason that I want to find and emphasize the good in everyone.
In high school, I found myself surrounded by friends and acquaintances who would tear other people down behind their backs, even as they smiled to their faces. Being exposed to this, I found it was a habit I readily picked up and carried with me for much of my formative adult life. I've felt firsthand how this can be destructive to one's relationships with others; for the last few years, I've made an effort to overcompensate in the other direction.
Naturally, I'm keenly aware that there's a balance to all of this. There is good in everyone, but that doesn't mean I go around handing out copies of the keys to my house to everyone that I encounter. Just as the good exists, there is bad in everyone. People put forth a likable veneer with others in an effort to mask the ugly underneath.
It's not that I'm oblivious to the fact that people have shortcomings; everyone does. But in general, there is more good in people than bad. Almost all people are aware of their own faults, and are making some effort to work on these faults. It does them and me very little good if I expend a lot of energy dwelling on them. A person who is unaware of their own faults is unlikely to vary their behavior or awareness if I point them out.
Now, I always embark on the possibility of a relationship with the knowledge that the other person isn't going to be perfect; I expect the other person to approach me with the same mindset. It feels very belittling not to be seen for who you are. Too much idealism, and you feel pressure to live up to something you cannot possibly live up to. Too much realism, and you wonder why the other person is so focused on your faults. As the old song goes: "Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood!"
I've dealt with a large number of people from all walks of life over the past few years; certainly more people than I ever expected to come into my life. Most people seem to feel that I'm a likable person, and we get along just fine. I've certainly met people who didn't like me at all; that's understandable, because I'm definitely imperfect, and there are people who simply won't care for me. This rarely affects my opinion of them; even if someone chooses to despise me, I still choose to like them.
By the same token, even though I choose to like everyone, and make a conscious effort to find the good in them, I don't let everyone into my life without any discernment. There's not always the possibility for a win-win relationship.
I used to get very anxious when I met someone who didn't like me. Now, I just appreciate that other people are willing to help me filter out the people who don't belong in my life. If I had to do all of that myself, it would be terribly exhausting!
In high school, I found myself surrounded by friends and acquaintances who would tear other people down behind their backs, even as they smiled to their faces. Being exposed to this, I found it was a habit I readily picked up and carried with me for much of my formative adult life. I've felt firsthand how this can be destructive to one's relationships with others; for the last few years, I've made an effort to overcompensate in the other direction.
Naturally, I'm keenly aware that there's a balance to all of this. There is good in everyone, but that doesn't mean I go around handing out copies of the keys to my house to everyone that I encounter. Just as the good exists, there is bad in everyone. People put forth a likable veneer with others in an effort to mask the ugly underneath.
It's not that I'm oblivious to the fact that people have shortcomings; everyone does. But in general, there is more good in people than bad. Almost all people are aware of their own faults, and are making some effort to work on these faults. It does them and me very little good if I expend a lot of energy dwelling on them. A person who is unaware of their own faults is unlikely to vary their behavior or awareness if I point them out.
Now, I always embark on the possibility of a relationship with the knowledge that the other person isn't going to be perfect; I expect the other person to approach me with the same mindset. It feels very belittling not to be seen for who you are. Too much idealism, and you feel pressure to live up to something you cannot possibly live up to. Too much realism, and you wonder why the other person is so focused on your faults. As the old song goes: "Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood!"
I've dealt with a large number of people from all walks of life over the past few years; certainly more people than I ever expected to come into my life. Most people seem to feel that I'm a likable person, and we get along just fine. I've certainly met people who didn't like me at all; that's understandable, because I'm definitely imperfect, and there are people who simply won't care for me. This rarely affects my opinion of them; even if someone chooses to despise me, I still choose to like them.
By the same token, even though I choose to like everyone, and make a conscious effort to find the good in them, I don't let everyone into my life without any discernment. There's not always the possibility for a win-win relationship.
I used to get very anxious when I met someone who didn't like me. Now, I just appreciate that other people are willing to help me filter out the people who don't belong in my life. If I had to do all of that myself, it would be terribly exhausting!