I heard about a new toilet recently that opens as you approach it, has a heated seat, sprays and drys your bottom when your done, and has an MP3 player in it. That's not the most interesting part: in addition to all of that, it also analyzes your "leavings" and prepares a summary, which it then emails to your doctor. These toilets are gaining popularity in Japan.

From a consumer standpoint, this is pretty easy to get excited about. An Internet-ready, MP3-playing, space-age shitter. People who own these have toilets that are equipped with better technology than my cell phone or car.

What I wonder about, though, is the doctor that has to read all of these emails. I'm trying to picture that poor person (probably an intern or first-year resident, I'm guessing) sitting at a bar after work, making an effort to unwind, sipping a martini, talking about their day: "I get 600 emails a day about people's feces." Talk about paying your dues.

I suppose it beats working at a sanitation plant.